Back To Overview

Relatives, Friends, Colleagues And Carers

You are the hidden 'victims'/survivors of the trauma. Take note of this too if you are a direct survivor AND a relative, friend etc of another survivor - give attention to both sets of impact.

•  Your own shock & distress may not be recognised even by yourself If you don't deal with it, it may get in the way when you try to help the people more directly affected - especially as time goes on.

•  You are most likely to say " its not me that needs support, I wasn't affected" Your needs will be different and you may not need much support but the more you sort yourself out, the better you can support others.

•  You may well feel 'guilty' because you have not been injured or affected. This is really common but because guilt is hard to deal with or admit, many try to hide these feelings - but it often comes out in what you do and say to your nearest and dearest and can make you moody or depressed. At worst people scapegoat survivors because underneath they blame them for being in the incident and thus for how they feel. Victimisation of victims is very common, rarely admitted, often denied - especially in work situations.

•  You are a vital factor in how much an incident will affect your nearest and dearest. Many survivors can cope with the initial trauma but cannot get their heads round some of the unhelpful things people around them say and do. This is why relying on friends and family may not be enough to help them recover, why getting your distress sorted may be the best way to help and why going back to school or work may create other problems.

•  You are a vital part of the recovery environment and an important 'agent of recovery'. Good recovery programmes usually involve the whole family and social network in some way. One to one counselling cannot work if the person goes back into a stressful home, work or school environment that does not understand or accept how they are affected.

What CAN you do?

•  Identify the impact on you - the moment of shock - hearing the news, seeing injured people, watching TV reports - your inner thoughts and feelings, your fears

•  Get informed about the impact of trauma and what a range of real people have found helpful in the past - everyone is different but you can get ideas

•  Get informed about the impact of trauma and caring for the traumatised on people like you.

•  Ask what the person needs at that moment

•  Don't be afraid to give other ideas or suggest that needs change, but suggest rather than tell . except ..

•  . if the person is in real crisis and can't think or cope with choices. then be kind but firm about what they need to do to stay safe until they can manage themselves again. Seek medical help if needed.

•  Have someone specially for you - to off-load the impact on yourself, for comfort and encouragement. This is not weakness - its good management & stops your frustrations being a 'pain' to others.

•  Be patient - real trauma recovery can take a long time - even years. The trauma is rarely one event - it sets up ripples - there are many repercussions - Inquests, campaigns, things that make people angry, anniversaries

•  Take a break from supporting others - look after yourself on a daily basis with small breaks and distractions and get right away occasionally if you can. You have the right to your own life as well & you'll be refreshed.

•  Talk to others caring for direct 'victims' - you may find you are not alone - use e-mail links if you are anxious about this or if face-to-face support doesn't help. (Don't get into competitions about 'whose situation is worse' or 'whose support is best' - just listen to each other's unique experiences without judgment)

DANGEROUS MOMENTS TO WATCH OUT FOR:

•  Early hot spots - when survivors may insist they are fine, refuse any help, yet be ratty and hyperactive - or may slump, be demanding and wallow in helplessness. Be there, tune into their pace and needs, be watchful, stay calm, make gentle suggestions, don't take anger too personally' be kind, firm and seek help if they are in a very bad way. Use concrete actions more than words- e.g. offer a cup of tea and a glass of water rather than ask which they want - they are more likely to say if they want something else. Don't do anything they can do for themselves. Give clear uncritical feedback so people know the impact of their words and actions on you. (When you do/say ., I feel." ) Keep it simple: Simple information, simple options, show support by simple actions. Have someone behind you.

•  Giving unhelpful advice & pressures - survivors report the awful pressure of the 'get-better-by date' imposed on them by society and people close to them who cannot bear their distress, especially if it 's also been implied that only weak people seek informed help.

•  Beware the joy of being a helper with more control of a person who needs your help (especially if roles have been reversed)- some find it hard to give up control and maybe being in the media spotlight when the person needs you less. You may feel grief and even anger.

•  The dilemma of carers (and many mothers). You have given your all and put your own needs on hold and the person you have cared for goes off with new energy into the future without remembering how hard they were to live with at times. then you collapse with exhaustion and they say "What's wrong with you, I'm better now why aren't you.?" Don't be a martyr if you can help it, but if you have been, get support or a good massage or rest before you are burnt at the stake! Bad backs, headaches, illness are other common symptoms of the carer's dilemma and compassion fatigue.

HELPFUL THINGS TO SAY

Encourage - ' you're doing really well';

'get all the help you can',

'how can I best help - this is what I am able to do' - not knowing the limits to help offered or whether it is really meant can create more stress for people - if you say phone me any time will you mind being phoned at 2 a.m. during a panic-attack?

WORST THINGS TO SAY

As a general rule, worst things are generally about not being able to cope with your pain and all the repercussions for more tan a short time. So your experience is denied and things are said to convince the person you are really not affected that badly - or if only you do as they say, all will be well. If only it were that easy! And let's face it, trauma is a major inconvenience to everyone as well as you..

Keep busy - gentle non-stressful occupation and routines are good but people need rest and time to gather themselves after a trauma. Traumatic incidents are physically and emotionally exhausting. Often said when onlookers can't cope with your distress.

You must get back to work immediately - It depends on the job and stress involved - a few days off allows things to settle and emotional health to be tested. Many who do return to work regret this advice. If they 'blow up 'at work and break down in front of colleagues, the work-place becomes the new site of trauma and they may never return. This is more likely if the job was too stressful or the atmosphere was unpleasant before the trauma. They can no longer keep up the pretence of coping anymore.

People in the helping professions can be very heroic about going back immediately. Managers should ask - should they be checked out physically and mentally before being allowed to work if they are not at peak performance and a risk to colleagues and clients. What happens if a trauma reaction is re-triggered unexpectedly while at work.

What - not over it yet!

Still affected! But you weren't even injured.

What train crash?

.. and anything else in the same vein - people have been known to say these things and worse even after only a few weeks after the trauma though survivors usually get a 6 week 'recover-by-date'. Such comments are particularly discouraging to people whose worlds have been turned upside down especially as they will be extra sensitive to any hint of blame and criticism for not being 'better' quickly:

Tone is important

Too inquisitive - like how many people dies in your carriage

Keep talking about it

Its just a question of time

Time heals

O - you're all right now once physical scars are gone.

Say something to one partner but not another - esp women expected to be more emotionally scarred

How is she? - to a husband when his crash injured wife was in a wheelchair

The research says .. .. (and the person doesn't want to know about your real-life experience)

But it was train crash not a plane crash

I heard you were dead! - (result of Chinese whispers)

But you'll value things more (implying that you'll move on quickly and to better things.)

I wouldn't have thought you'd worry about anything after that

You'll be a better person because of this (Are you saying I was a bad one before?)

If you're not showing anything you're thru it; if you are why aren't you better yet.

I can understand what you're going through

POSITIVES

To be non-verbal

Showing

Hugs
It must be absolutely dreadful

Ie an acknowledgement - demonstrates acceptance, empathy

Got us laughing - in a light way - made us feel safe and normal

Work - are you both getting the help you need - is there anything else you could do.

Is there anything I can do - do they really mean it -actions speak louder

 

Back To Overview